I've heard many a writer say that it pays to write every day.  Even if it's nothing particularly good, just being in the habit is important.  The more you write, the better your writing tends to become.  So I'm writing.  I don't have anything very interesting to say, but here goes.

Tomorrow afternoon we're leaving for Sioux Falls.  The we in this case is me and Trevor.  I'm going to meet some of his friends at his old school.  Should be an interesting weekend.  There are those that will be fun to meet and those I'm not exactly looking forward to.  All of the girls who aren't exactly pleased the two of us are dating should be interesting to interact with.  But fuck em.  He's mine and I'm keeping this one. 

So I've come to the conclusion that I've been doing everything wrong when it comes to love. I don't wait with the physical stuff, I reveal too much too soon and I'm not independent so I wind up seeming clingy, which is something I reeeally don't want to be, but I've found myself fitting that description. Ick. DAMMIT. So I've already screwed everything up with Tony, just like I have with every guy in the past year. I don't know what the hell to do now. Hopefully I can salvage our relationship, but I doubt we're meant to be anyway. BAH. I just feel like it's all my fault. I've screwed up all these relationships by making all these heinous mistakes over and over. Sometimes I feel like I should just break up with him, but I enjoy his company. I just don't want him to feel trapped or overwhelmed, which he probably does and I don't know how to fix it. I need dating help. :(

It's been almost a year since John broke up with me, shattering my heart into a million pieces. He was my first love and I'm still getting over it; as much as I like to think I'm fine, I realized this week I'm really not. I've finally come to the anger stage of grief, and it sure as hell took long enough. I was on vacation with my family in Chicago from Monday until this morning and about the third day in I kept getting bombarded with reminders of him. There were bikers everywhere, we walked past a Ritz Camera store, and tons of other little things kept popping up as well. With each reminder I was getting more and more pissed until I just wanted to explode. He was the last thing I wanted to be thinking about while on vacation. I'm angry at myself for still not being over him and for harboring feelings for him this long, but more than anything, I'm finally angry about how he treated me in the end. I've always made excuses for him; that he was stressed, it was hard for him, he really did care for me, he just didn't handle things well. That's the bottom line - he didn't handle things well at all. Yes, all those things were true - he cared about me a lot. But now that I've gone on and on about how he's such a great guy and that even though how things ended sucked I didn't think of him any differently, I'm finally ready to be mad. Every time I tell someone how it ended they're just appalled - that he told me over the phone that he didn't want to see me anymore, that for a week (while camping) he barely spoke to me, would hardly look at me, etc., leaving me completely stressed, confused and worried.

I'm also angry that he won't talk to me at all anymore. I understand that I made some mistakes - I made an ass out of myself trying to rekindle things - but I thought he could at least hear me out. My first mistake was telling him I still might have feelings for him, but I also stressed that I thought I was probably just being nostalgic and just wanted to talk things out. He could have been more understanding but instead he chose to break off all communication. Since then I made a complete ass out of myself by trying to talk to him again, only to meet silence. I just wish he would talk to me, but then again maybe silence is better. It just pisses me off that after 2 years things went so downhill - and I'm through blaming myself. Yes, I'm partially to blame but so is he.

Another thing I've been thinking about is this. Since we broke up, I've felt different. In Lily Allen's song "I Could Say" she writes,
"I could say that I'll always be here for you,
But that would be a lie and quite a pointless thing to do,
I could says that I'll always have feelings for you
But I've got a life ahead of me, I'm only 22

Since you've gone I've lost a chip on my shoulder,
Since you've gone I feel like I've gotten older,
And now you've gone it feels as if the whole wide world is my stage
And now you've gone it's like I've been let out of my cage."

It's weird, but immediately after we broke up, I felt a lot different. The biggest difference initially was that I no longer gave a flying fuck about my weight or how I looked. While I was dating him, I was going through the typical girl insecurities about those particular "problems" - and looking back on it all I'm mortified about how I acted. I was so insecure and obsessed that I made a fool out of myself and was really annoying about it. I know I drove him nuts and I made myself crazy, constantly worrying I wasn't pretty or thin enough. After he broke up with me, however, I didn't give it a thought. It took me a while to realize it was going on, and originally I think it had to do with the fact that I felt physically ill. I could hardly eat after we first broke up; I'd try to eat because I knew it was unhealthy not to, but I'd get halfway through a yogurt and feel terribly full. It was very strange. After that wore off, I soon started to realize that I didn't care about that stuff anymore. Sure, occasionally I'll have an insecure thought (who doesn't?) but they usually go away fairly quickly. I'm not plagued by the idiotic obsessions that I used to be. I let myself eat what I want and I actually think I look better than I used to. I used to always be very conscious of what I ate and I'd workout almost every day - it got to a point where I'd get anxious if I didn't workout. In the past few months I've hardly worked out at all and I feel like I look better than I have in a long time. I'm happier most of the time and I really do feel better about myself.
Part of me wishes John could see that I'm so much better in that department but the other part asks what difference would it make? He's not going to feel any differently about me. He doesn't care that I'm doing better, and I'm sure he hardly thinks about me at all.
So I'm finally at the angry stage and glad to be there. Hopefully I can move on and just be ok with everything soon. I'm sick of feeling anything about it - I'm sick of thinking about him the way I do. I don't want to have any romantic feelings towards him any longer because they just cause me pain and I know he doesn't, and won't ever, feel that way about me again.

Just thought of some more things I'm angry about:

*I hate that he's still always in the back of my mind

*I hate that I sometimes still wish things could change and work out between us

*I hate that he seems to be able to get over me (and break up with me) so easily, without any visible emotion while I wear my heart on my sleeve and am still not completely over it